July 2018 by Shifty Pirate
Do you ever think : "I have far too much free time , I wish there was someone who could unnecessarily waste it for me "?
Or : "my patio decor is far too tidy for its own good I wish someone would Introduce some chaos by throwing a year's worth of dog ends and half smoked cigarettes and joints on it"?
Do you like ordering a new shirt or jeans online , only to open it and realise there are no jeans or top in the box just another box ?
Do you like having to explain the inns and outs of how and why contreceptives are dispensed to your 6yr old son ?
If so I don't recommend , I INSIST you give this place a go , where right from the off it looks like dot cotton's entire smoking career mementos have been laid to rest on their patio , it gets better from there on in as after you've placed your drinks order , your kids inevitably say to you " I need a wee" , and what a museum of treats the bathroom has to offer , for starters , I overheard a staff member humming as I went in , I can't believe how stupid I had been not to twig on at that point , that they had got Stevie wonder employed as a cleaner! , Then moving onto the machine on the wall , there it is , completely unlocked and empty , I have since come to the conclusion that staff members must have ransacked it as they spent the entire evening ,f**king around!, so then it comes down to the big one , the food , now in no way was the food poor quality , I thoroughly enjoyed my burger , when It arrived , but to finish your entire meal , when others on your table food still hasn't arrived is really pretty incredible , "maybe I just ate really fast ?" I asked myself ? "Maybe I got my table number wrong?" , Turn out I was being over critical of myself , as when we asked a staff member "oh hey we ordered two scampi and chips and they haven't arrived ?" The vacant look we recieved back was like she didn't even realise what scampi was , let alone whether or not they serve it , 35 minutes later those evasive battered buggers arrive and things finally seem to be coming to an end , people are finally eating and it appears that for now , at least , Satan himself couldn't balls it up now , but wait , the most complex of challenges was to face out culinary preparers and servers for this evening , the dreaded dessert menu , now I would like to state right now , I am in no way an expert on desserts , in fact I'd say I'm lacking a sweet tooth , I'm more of a savoury man myself however , kids being kids , they want a dessert , again I am no expert on these matters , but I'm pretty damn sure unless you had to milk the cow yourself , it doesn't take 35 bloody minutes to scoop two spoonfuls of chocolate ice cream from a tub and put it in a bowl , "but Shane " I hear you say " maybe they were stupidly busy that night" but no it gets better 2 of the adult desserts had already been served , 3 minutes after ordering with the assurance "I just got to grab the others from the kitchen , I couldn't carry it all at once" , it never occurred to me at all that the kitchen was 14 sodding miles away from where I was currently sitting , the evening eventually ended with us getting refunded on the 2 desserts that hasn't arrived because quite frankly I didn't fancy booking into the premier Inn next door on the off chance that it could arrive with my breakfast.
If you are like me , and really value your sanity please avoid this like swine flu
Positives : the staff appeared very friendly , even when they quite blatantly enjoyed their job about as much as having flu
